I think I heard that old song “Pour Some Sugar On Me” recently because I woke with that phrase in my mind and wondered once again what the hell it meant. I mean I vaguely remember the video and am certain it’s got something to do with love or “hooking up” or whatever it was teens used to think about, or maybe just sugar, which teens also used to think about, but the metaphor remains either too obvious or too subtle for me to completely apprehend.

So for no reason I pictured people taking huge bags of C&H Pure Cane Sugar and dumping them over the guy that passed out first at a party like in those pictures you see on the internet of what people have done to some guy who the passed out first at some party. Then I imagined a series of grimy, Calvin Kleinesque photos making up a gallery show where snooty people with strange drinks and expensive glasses in some gritty SOHO gallery are gathered to squint at and silently judge the roomful of pictures of passed-out party people under piles of sugar, or possibly even sugar cube pyramids and sculptures – the white, sweet crystals poured with calculated indifference and/or calculated recklessness, like someone cared enough to pour the sugar, but not so much that they did it too carefully. Black and white, probably.

Then I realized how messy that all sounded, and I’m pretty sure if I poured a bag of sugar on any woman, ever, especially the one I’m married to, in an attempt to show affection, there’d be some kind of hell to pay after I’d thoroughly cleaned it all up. (Which seems only fair.) But that brought to mind a recent conversation I’d had about birds and all the baroque and single-purposed mechanisms the males had evolved solely to impress the ladies, and I wondered if human ingenuity couldn’t solve the problem in its own diverse ways.

My first idea (just spitballing, of course) was the Sugar Hat, which would be a big, flat tray with an upturned elegant lip and a padded head-sized indentation in the middle to make it easier balance on your head and a comfortable chin strap to hold it in place. If someone had taken a fancy to you (and if you were amenable) they could simply pour sugar on your sugar hat, and then you could proudly display the sugar that had been poured on you as a way of publicly demonstrating your romantic intentions, and in a relatively mess-free manner if your balance and weather conditions permitted. Sort of like a cubic zirconium engagement ring, but with a touching element of impermanence.

(I’m sure glad this is what my mind works on instead of finding a cure for something or getting another job or something. Sigh.)