Listen, dogs, you’re not getting your way this morning. I’m sleeping in. I work hard, I’m stressed, I’m a night person in a morning person’s world and I NEVER get to sleep in. This morning is my morning. Absolutely everything is perfect for sleeping in in a way that happens once every 18 or so years and I’m not missing it for you or for anyone. There are no conference calls, no lunches to be made, no stressed out wives up early studying, no little girls giggling extra early after their sleepover, I don’t have to care if I hear the stupid “you’ve got mail” beep from one of the 15 devices in the house that beep every single time one of my Very Important Messages comes in because nothing important is going on early on this holiday. None of my stupid neighbors have gotten up to drive 60mph down my 25mph dirt road, there’s no morning rush hour, the guy next door isn’t using his gas weedeater, and you guys aren’t out barking at anything. It’s a perfect storm for sleeping in, and I’ve got this.
You think dropping a tennis ball or a rope toy on my head over and over is going to work today? Ha. You must have no idea just how not-twisted my body is right this second, or how warm I am under these covers, or how great that cool late spring breeze feels. You think yawning 30 times in a row is going to get to me? I’m not buying it, nobody needs to yawn that much and you’re totally doing it on purpose and it’s not going to work. Doesn’t matter, it’s not getting to me today, this is the one morning in ten thousand where EVERYTHING is perfect and I am definitely feeling good about going back to sleep for – almost literally – once. You can pace around the room all you want, I know you don’t have to click that much on the tile if you don’t want to, and you can jingle your stupid vaccine tags on your collars ’til the alpacas come home. I’m doing this.
That licking the bed or licking your paws or whatever the hell you’re licking might actually actually working a little, but whatever. Maybe I won’t sleep two extra hours, but I’m definitely sleeping an extra 45 minutes, you’re not winning. Why do you even care. You’re warm and comfortable too, just enjoy it like me. Yes, I see the look on your face, and it’s very cute. It’ll be at least as cute in another 45 minutes. You don’t understand – the sun is behind clouds, the breeze is covering up any noises from outside, there are no coffee machines grinding or Netflix movies playing over headphones elsewhere in the house, it’s QUIET and I DON’T HAVE TO GET UP FOR ANY REASON and oh you just went and sneezed directly into my eyes from an inch away and I’m absolutely wide awake for the day .
So I guess I may as well scrape the sneeze residue off my eyelids and check the time and ah what do you know it’s basically to the exact moment you eat every single other day and since I’m up and moving around so much I may as well get up and feed you huh.