Upon reflection, my life is exactly the opposite of an L.L. Cool J song. My hat is not like a shark’s fin. I will not crush you like a jelly bean. Oreos don’t eat cookies named after me. I don’t put musclebound men’s faces in the sand. I don’t always feel good about Candy.

I can keep going. (Don’t get me started on enjoying what I’m doing or being paid in full.)